George W Bush is writing a book about his years in
the White House. It will also be available on audio as
soon as they find a narrator that can say "nucular"
with a straight face.
First, airlines started charging for checked bags. Then some
began charging you for carry ons. Now, a couple of airlines want
to charge you for your emotional baggage. Girlfriend dumped you? $15.
Husband cheated on you? 25 bucks. Parents didn't love you? Ka-ching!
That'll be 100 big ones.
Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell recently declared April
to be Confederate History Month. But in his speech, he
neglected to mention "slavery". Ooops! That's like declaring
National Ocean Month and forgetting the fish
Research shows that in more recent paintings
depicting the Last Supper, portions are bigger than older paintings.
Not only that, but a 1980's work by Andy Warhol shows
Judas leaving the table just as the check arrives.
Recently, some Toyota owners have experience problems
with the gas pedal sticking, causing troouble braking. The
company has announced that the pedals can be replaced for
free, if the owners stop in at a dealership. Provided, of course,
that they are able to STOP at a dealership.
The Oscar telecast was up almost 14% in the ratings.
Experts attribute this to increasing Best Picture nominees
from five to ten, the wide appeal of the highly diverse
genres of films and the fact that more and more people
are home watching television because they can't afford
to go to the movies.
At JFK airport, an air traffic controller has been
suspended because he allowed his
young son to talk to pilots during flights. Officials
became suspicious when they noticed all landings
and take offs were on time.
There is a proposal in Georgia to fine drivers going under
the speed limit in the fast lane. If we could also start
fining people who don't use their blinkers when changing
lanes, we could pay off the National Debt!
With more and more states legalizing medical
marijuana, I can see where this is headed:
"$5 for a joint? That's it! When joints get to be
$6, I'm quitting!"
American Airlines announced it will charge
passengers $8 for a blanket. For $5, they'll
seat you in between two fat people.
The Senate has confirmed Ben Bernanke as
Chairman of the Federal Reserve for four more
years. Then, in 2014, it will be taken over by
Conan O'Brien.
Sarah Palin was asked for her thoughts about Haiti.
She replied, "Oh, I just love the story about that
little Swiss girl and her grandfather. I liked the movie
more than the book, cause then I didn't have to do
all that readin'."
The new movie "Sherlock Holmes" is so successful, a
sequel is already in the works. The NFL hires Holmes
to come to the United States and try to locate the
missing NY Giants defense.
The Giants and Jets will play next year at a new football stadium.
Here's the chronology: the Giants played their last game at the old
stadium last week. The Jets will play their last game there this week.
Bon Jovi will be the first concert on May 25. And on May 20, they'll
be moving the body of Jimmy Hoffa to the corner of the new end zone.
Federal officials are worried about an infestation
of Asian carp into the Great Lakes region. Asian
carp are easy to identify. They are very large,
feast on plankton and are horrible drivers.
In the new movie 2012, Armageddon hits Earth.
It actually begins in 2011, when the Cubs win the World Series.
In a Chicago school district where all milk was banned except
for white, activist students were able to reverse the school board's
original decision and get flavored milk approved. All it took was
speeches from the students, phone calls from the parents and
the threat of Rev Al Shrapton to crusade against the "White Only"
milk law.
Just saw the new movie about Amelia Earhart. Most people
know she was a female pilot who disappeared while flying
in 1937. What a lot of people don't know, is that she flew for
Northwest Airlines.
Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of Bradford, Ryo and Falcon Heene
may be brought up on child abuse charges. Not just for orchestrating the
"Balloon Boy" hoax, but also for naming two of their kids "Falcon" and "Ryo".
In Cape May, NJ, a 72 year old former meter collector was charged
with stealing from parking meters. Police became suspicious when
he tried to pay off a hooker in rolled coins.
Scientists have discovered a 4.4 million year old skeleton
of a female. They say she walked upright on flat feet, had a
brain about a quarter size of a human's, and weighed about
110 lbs.. Double the weight and you've got my ex.
An Afghan immigrant has been charged with buying
beauty supply chemicals for use in a terrorist attack.
He has pleaded not guilty. His lawyer said his client
did not buy the chemicals for an attack, but merely
for his interactive game Project Runway JIhad.
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin will have her
memoirs published Nov 17. The book is $25.95, crayons sold separately.
The battleship U.S.S. Missouri will get an $18 million
makeover. It will undergo sandblasting, rust removal
and hull inspection. All by the same crew that services
Joan Rivers.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he would not step down
under pressure from requests for his resignation stemming from his
June extra-marital affair in Argentina. Sanford said quitting would
be 'wrong". Oh, NOW he knows what "wrong" is.
There is talk that the US Government may move the
Guantanamo Bay prisoners suspected of terrorism to
a jail outside of Detroit, Michigan. Imprisoned without
representation, waterboarding, now Detroit. Haven't
these men suffered enough?
Smokey the Bear is turning 65, but still going strong.
He is out promoting forest fire prevention and also,
prostate exams.
Astronomers say they have spotted a dark spot
on the surface of the planet Jupiter. They believe
it was caused by a collision from either a comet,
or an Asian woman in a minivan.
Paula Abdul announced she is leaving Ammerican Idol.
She said she wants to spend more time sleeping with
contestants from other shows.
In the Sudan, a woman faces forty lashes as the
punishment for wearing pants in public. Hillary Clinton
had best stay out of Khartoum.
This just in from the White House:
President Obama has invited Jon and Kate over
for a beer.
Sarah Palin is stepping down as Governor of Alaska "to
fight for what is right". So I guess she's leaving the
Republican Party,
A new report shows that fewer Mexicans are moving
to the U.S. than there were in recent years. That's because
they're all HERE. On any given day, there are more American
tourists in Mexico than Mexicans. Have you been to an American
hotel lately? Mexicans are cutting the grass and cleaning the rooms.
I had to learn how to say "towel" in Spanish.
Big memorial celebration of Michael Jackson's career today.
Dozens of his peers gathered in L.A. and sang his songs,
including We Are The World. Sadly, Dan Ackroyd was snubbed.
Michael Jackson's mother will get custody of his children.
Thanks goodness. They might have been awarded to someone
weird who would raise them. Then they'd grow up like Michael
or LaToya.....hey, wait a minute!
Apple founder Steve Jobs had an organ transplant
this week. They took out his liver and installed the
new I-Liver.
In Ohio, officials scrapped a plan for a new design for
standard llicense plates with"Beautiful Ohio" on them.
The plate had rolling hills, a barn and a city skyline. The
plates were canceled when it was realized that charging
additional money for new plates in a recession was not
a good idea. Also, they realized the picture was of Iowa.
In Danvers, Massachusetts, a 91 year old man drove through
the entrance of a Wal-Mart. He told police he was in a hurry
because he had to pick up his father, who is a greeter at the
store.
L.A. Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez has been suspended by the
league for 50 games due to a female fertility drug, a banned substance,
found in his system. Ramirez apologized to his teammates in a meeting.
Then, during the speech, his water broke.
Hurricane season starts soon and FEMA still does not have a
leader appointed. Fema also announced a reminder that its
Christmas bake sale is next month and it's 2008 calendars
are now on sale.
Fox News will not carry President Obama's speech this week
marking his first 100 days in office, instead airing an episode
of the series LIe To Me. Which, coincidentally was the theme
of the previous Preisdent's entire time iin office.
In Russia, scientists have unearthed the 40,000 year old
preserved body of a baby mammoth. It was immediately
adopted by Angelina Jolie.
From a 2002 memo from the Justice Department, here is a
list of ten approved techniques for questioning terror suspects:
Grasping by collar Wall standing
Pushing into wall Stress Positions
Facial hold Sleep deprivation
Facial slap Confined with insects
Cramped confinement Waterboarding
In NYC, this will cost you $4600 and is called the Full Spitzer
A Russian man was examined by doctors who suspected he had
a tumor in his lung. Instead, they found he has a tree growing
inside him. More bad news: his HMO does not list any lumberjacks.
Legendary football announcer John Madden announced his retirement.
Somewhere, in the distance, Frank Caliendo sobs.
The Cincinnati Bengals who recently had 10 players
arrested in a 14-month span, have signed legally
troubled Tank Johnson. They also show interest in
Plaxico Burress, singer Kris Brown and the guy who
threw his shoes at George Bush.
Tori Spelling will appear on the new Beverly Hills 90210.
I've got to hand it to Tori. Here's an unattractive girl
with no talent who has managed to build an lucrative
acting career on the mere fact her father happened to
be a billionaire television producer.
I have an uncle in prison. He called me today, sounding
distraught. He said this morning he had been swindled out
of his last carton of cigarettes by Bernie Madoff.
Tomorrow is March 17 and I always find it ironic that each
year there are groups that try to prevent gays from marching
in the St Patrick's Day Parade.. This homophobia coming from
people singing "When Irish hearts are happy, all the world is bright
and gay" while dressed like leprechauns.
Conservative radio entertainer Rush LImbaugh has been called
the face of the Republican Party. This should surprise no one. For
years, the Republican mascot has been an elephant. And the only
difference between the two is that the elephant is not doped up
on Oxycontin.
The woman who last month gave birth to octuplets through
invitro fertilization has been criticized as selfish and egotistical.
And she is at it again. This morning at a local Denny's, she
ordered an omelette and demanded they use eight eggs.
The Iraqi reporeter who threw his shoes at George Bush
during a December press conference has admitted it was
premeditated. The Iraqi government has leaped into action,
implementing a seven day waiting period for buying footwear.
The NY Yankees are worried that the A-Rod steroid scandal
will distract from their first season in their new ballpark. They
are moving from old Yankee stadium, "The House That Ruth Built"
to new Yankee stadium, "The House That 'Roids Built."
After watching the Alex Rodriguez press conference yesterday, I
discovered that taking steroids not only makes you bigger and
stronger, but causes you to lie. I think I actually saw his nose grow.
In an interview with Peter Gammons where he apolgoized to
baseball for steroid use last week, Alex Rodriguez harshly
criticized reporter Selena Roberts, the reporter who broke the
story. This week, A-Rod is apologizing to Roberts, saying
when he did that interview, he was young, naive and didn't
know exactly what insults he used.
Las Vegas is taking bets on who will get more hits this year:
Alex Rodriguez, Michael Phelps or Chris Brown.
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was caught on video
smoking pot. Some people are speculating this may cause
him to lose some endorsement deals. To the contrary, he
just signed to be a pitchman for both Doritos and Twinkies.
Here we are at the beginning of Black History Month. Or,
as the Republicans call it, February.
Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a book coming out
next week in which he bashes a number of his former players.
Publishers have canceled the book signing planned for the
Bronx and rescheduled it for Boston.
Now everyone repeat after me, the five sweetest
sounding words in the English language: FORMER
President George W. Bush.
Last week a US Airlines plane safely made an emergency
landing on the HUdson River after colliding with a flock
of birds. In one of his final acts, an enraged George Bush
demanded that the US invade Canada and search for geese
of mass destruction.
On Thursday, a US Airways flight to Charlotte had two
engines crippled by an apparent collision with a flock of
birds.The pilot made a heroic landing on the Hudson River
and all i50 passengers escaped unharmed. Unfortunately,
they were immediately kidnapped by a band of Somalian pirates.
On Monday, George Bush gave a one hour press
conference. Two amazing things happened. One:
He admitted mistakes his administration had made
over his two terms. And two:He was able to condense
the list of errors to one hour.
In Minnesota, November's Senate election has yet to be
settled. Democrat Al Franken leads after the recount, but
Republican Norm Coleman is suing over the results, saying
there were irregularities on Election Day and during the
recount. A dejected Al Gore said, "You can do that?"
Here's something odd: Today, I was taking a cab ride
through Manhattan, and I see Prince Harry standing on
a corner, giving my driver the finger
.
Tom Cruise's new movie is called 'Valkyrie'. It's
based on a true story of a failed assassination
attempt on Adolph Hitler, who went on to kill and
torture millions of people. Dick Cheney calls it. 'The
feel-good movie of the year'.
Cover article in the USA Today about Bush loyalists
who have been with him for eight years and feel" bonded"
with him and "part of a team". So are the 08 Detroit Lions!
One more year in office and Bush might hve Matt Millen
running FEMA.
Burger KIng has announced it's making a men's body
spray called Flame that makes you smell like a BK
flame broiled burger. Add on a splash of the new Vlasik
Pickle aftershave and Mazola hair gel and even any major
CEO can get that desired fastfood counter-worker smell
that drives women wild!
This week at an Iraqi press conference, an angry local
reporter threw his shoes at George Bush. That Bush so
deftly dodged the missiles was no surprise. He's been
consistently ducking things for the last eight years:
Questions, responsibility, the truth.
I was doing some online holiday shopping today
and I think I found something for my cousin, who's
unemployed- a job. I located on EBay a listing for a
US Senate seat in Illinois. Must fill ASAP. Plenty of
room for advancement. To highest bidder.
In a sluggish economy, I want to do my part. I do not want
to receive a single holiday gift. Save your money, or give it
to the poor. If the rumor that Ann Coulter has had her jaw
wired shut is true, I have all I need to warm me on those
cold winter nights.
To offset supply costs, a San Diego high school calculus teacher is
selling ad space on his test papers. I can see where this is headed:
"This Sex Education Test is brought to you by Trojans, the condom
you can rely on!"
I was out walking this morning and I passed a panhandler. He had his
hat out and a sign on his lap that read, "Please help. Need cash to
refuel my private jet".
George Bush is proposing an airline passenger-rights rule. Because the
Bush administration would never tolerate people without rights being
confined to a small area against their will for long periods of time
Except for Guantanamo Bay of course.
President Elect Barack Obama met with John McCain. In an effort at bipartisanship,
Obama offered McCain the position of Ambassador to AARP.
It's autumn and the leaves are changing faster than Joe Liberman's party
affiliation.
As of January 20, Washington is going to have to reinstitute newspaper
delivery to the White House because we've got a 'reader' moving in.
It's autumn and there's that crispness in the air. The leaves are
changing color. and so is the White House. Beautiful.
John McCain lost to the "elitist" Barack Obama for the U.S. Presidency.
Then he and his wife Cruella spent the night at the Arizona Biltmore
Resort & Spa.
A Massachusetts hospital is offering flu shots at a drive-through
window. But they are restricting the choice of body part that gets
inoculated to the upper arm.
The Transportation Security Administration announced that next
year they will be relaxing the restrictions for liquids carried on
planes. You know what that means. In 09, pilots can go back
to drinking
A NY womn is trying to raise $3 million to buy Super Bowl ad time to look for a boyfriend.
Or, she could save $3 million and show her breasts on You Tube.
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